Last Updated on September 26, 2023
Once in a while, we find ourselves in protracted arguments where our opponents have completely thrown logic out the window. Instead of coming to us with persuasive reason, they opt to hit us way below the belt by attacking our fragile emotions. It’s during such moments that a well-timed roast can help turn the tables in your favor and put your detractors in their place.
A roast is basically a tactical but sarcastic remark that you say to someone to tease, ridicule, or poke fun at them. Roasts are intended to get back at a mean person without coming across as being too contemptuous yourself. These statements, if well-timed, can offer an excellent comeback when someone is threatening to pin you down during an argument.
We’ve put together a massive list of 100 cool roasts to help you walk out of any confrontation with your head high.
100 Good Roasts
1. Accidents happen; the proof is sitting right there.
2. Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?
3. Are you talking to me? I thought you only talk behind my back.
4. Cry me a river, then drown yourself in it.
5. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
6. Don’t get bitter, just get better.
7. Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
8. Everybody brings happiness to a room. You just do it when you leave!
9. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
10. I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you.
11. I didn’t mean to offend you… but it was a huge plus.
12. I don’t hate you, but if you were drowning, I would give you a high five.
13. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.
14. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
15. I guess if you actually ever spoke your mind, you’d really be speechless.
16. I keep thinking you can’t get any dumber, but then you like to prove me wrong.
17. I know our son got his brains from you because, well, I still have mine.
18. I like the way you comb your hair, so horns don’t show up.
19. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
20. I might be fully vaccinated, but I’m still not going to hang out with you.
21. I think I’ve seen you before, but I’m pretty sure I had to pay admission last time.
22. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
23. I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
24. I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
25. I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult for stupid people.
26. I would smack you, but I’m against animal abuse.
27. I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
28. I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
29. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
30. I’m listening. Just give me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
31. I’m not ignoring you. I’m just giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you’re being right now.
32. I’d give you a nasty look, but it seems like you’ve already got one.
33. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
34. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
35. If I wanted to kill myself, I would simply jump from your ego to your IQ.
36. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
37. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
38. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
39. I’m no an astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun… not you.
40. Impersonating Beyoncé is not your destiny, child.
41. Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?
42. Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
43. It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
44. It’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
45. Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
46. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find your brain back there.
47. Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.
48. Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
49. Looking at you reminded me to take my contraception. I can’t risk giving birth to someone that ugly.
50. No, that’s fine. You’re certainly entitled to your incorrect opinion.
51. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.
52. Roasting you isn’t easy. It’s hard enough to imagine you with a personality.
53. Since you know it all, you should know when to shut up.
54. Someday you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.
55. Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
56. Sorry I can’t think of an insult dumb enough for you to understand.
57. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
58. The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.
59. The only reason I take you everywhere with me is that I’d rather do that than kiss your ugly face goodbye.
60. The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
61. There is someone out there for everyone. For you, it’s a therapist.
62. Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
63. Walls may have ears, but count yourself lucky they don’t have mouths because all they would do is laugh at you.
64. We were going to roast you, but apparently, it’s not good for the environment to burn trash.
65. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.
66. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
67. Whatever doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
68. When I look at you, I can’t help but wonder, how the hell were you the fastest sperm?
69. When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time… and walk past.
70. When I see you coming, I get pre-annoyed. I’m just giving myself a head start.
71. When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would ya?
72. Whoever told you to be yourself, gave you a bad advice.
73. Why is it OK for you to be an idiot but not OK for me to point it out?
74. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
75. You are so full of shit, the toilet’s jealous.
76. You are the reason why God is not talking to us anymore.
77. You are the sun in my life… now get 93 million miles away from me.
78. You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.
79. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
80. You can’t imagine how much happiness you can bring… by leaving the room.
81. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
82. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
83. You have such a beautiful face… But let’s put a bag over that personality.
84. You haven’t changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
85. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
86. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
87. You love to act stupid. I know because I live with you, you’re naturally way dumber than that.
88. You remind me of a cloud; when you disappear, my day gets that much brighter.
89. You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
90. You should really come with a warning label.
91. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
92. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
93. You’re not stupid! You just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
94. You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
95. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
96. You’re the reason why there are directions on shampoo bottles.
97. Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology
98. Your family tree must be a cactus ‘cause you’re all a bunch of pricks.
99. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
100. You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.
Final Word
Roasts aren’t only intended to neutralize negative energy. They can also be used as dark humor while spending quality time with your family and friends.
If you’re planning a social gathering and looking for exciting ideas to while the day away, you might consider shortlisting the above roasts. Most importantly, remember to choose a joke appropriate for the occasion and audience.