Looking at the history of dating over the past 100 years is an interesting study. In the early 20th century, a lot of dating was focused on parental expectations and approval. Boys “courted” girls and needed to win their parents’ approval to date and marry.
Fast forward to the 50s – the beginning of liberation in dating. Girls and boys met at school, at soda shops, and at other hangouts. Boys still picked up girls at their homes for dates, and parents usually met them and also established curfew times. But there was more freedom in where they went (think drive-in movies) and what they did.
The 60s was the real breakout. Peace and free love. Sex before marriage was no longer something to be hidden and denied. Did couples fall in love and marry? Of course. But they chose their partners with or without parental involvement or approval.
Fast forward again to 2023. Dating occurs in all sorts of ways. People meet through friends, at school, bars, and parties; increasingly, they meet online through dating websites and apps. And given the mobility that is enjoyed following the pandemic, many even look for an international site to explore the possibilities for matches all over the world. Indeed, dating has become an online convenience, and potential couples have plenty of time to get to know each other through messages, chats, and even video meetups before they ever meet in person.
But still, the question lingers. In all of the hookups, meetups, and dating, how do you really know that you have found the right relationship that will be lasting (if that’s what you’re looking for)? Here is a checklist that should help.
Are Your Values Compatible?
You don’t have to be “attached at the hip” regarding your values, but they do have to be reasonably similar.
- How important is money vs. pursuing your dream careers?
- How important is it to be of service to others?
- Do you both have causes that are near and dear to you?
- Do you both want or not want children?
- Do you prefer urban or rural living?
- Do you both have some spiritual beliefs or are you fully secular?
These are basic things that you need to know about each other because differences in these will bring tough issues later on. And some values will change over time – just be certain that you have open lines of communication and are willing to honor and respect those changes.
How Do You Handle Conflict?
If you are considering a long-term relationship, you have hopefully been dating for a while. And during that dating, you have probably had some conflicts, some minor, some major. The fact that you have conflict is not the problem – all couples do. The point is how you handle those conflicts.
- Are you able to avoid emotional outbursts, insults, and name-calling?
- Are you both willing to listen and respect the other’s point of view?
- Can you reach a compromise that is acceptable to both of you?
- Can both of you apologize when necessary?
Healthy relationships that will stand the test of time are those in which both partners feel safe and respected during conflict.
You’re Not Looking to Change Them or Yourself
If you’ve ever been in a relationship and said to yourself, “They’ll change once we move in together (or once we are married),” you are only fooling yourself. Likewise, if you’ve said to yourself that you will change to please them, the same holds true.
Both of you must be willing to accept each other for who you are as your relationship unfolds. If you think that basic beliefs and behaviors will change once you make it permanent, you are headed for trouble.
You Honor Each Other’s Independence
A strong relationship does not mean you are attached 24 hours a day. This may be true in the beginning when your love is new, but as time moves on, you both need your space to pursue your individual interests and hobbies and to have time with friends, apart from each other.
If you are both willing to support each other’s individual interests, hobbies, and time with your own social circles, chances are you are on the right track.
You Enjoy Spending Time Doing and Exploring Things Together
Each of you has your favorite things to do, both indoors and out. Do you plan things that honor each of your preferences? And, as well, are you both open to exploring new things together?
If most of your time spent together is in the company of others – your friends, at parties, clubs, etc., then you need to stop and think about how much you enjoy each other when you are alone together. Are you happy just to have an evening alone at your place or theirs, watching a movie or cooking and enjoying a great meal together? You need to be fully happy when you are alone together with no one else around.
You Can See Yourself Growing Old with Them
Once you are over the initial stages of new love, reality sets in. You get to know one another in the “cold light of day” with all of your little flaws and idiosyncrasies. And you find some minor areas where you disagree but you are both willing to compromise on these.
Over time, you both come to feel completely comfortable and secure with each other, and life settles down into a mutually happy partnership. At this point, you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person.
If you are certain that you are over the infatuation stage of your early relationship and you really know each other inside and out and yet still relish each other and your time together, you are probably ready to take that plunge.
How Have You Fared?
If you’ve read through this “checklist” and answered honestly, you should be able to see if your current relationship is worth pursuing and continuing. If any of these six are questionable, take it as a possible red flag and spend more time with your love before you make a major commitment.